"I'd hardly call myself repressed," he says, still pink at the thought of Ren. "Plus, you could hardly have opened that door if I hadn't erected it for you, hm?"
"Interesting phrasing." Heh. No doubt a deliberate double entendre. "But one would hope you aren't serpent levels of repressed. That was just embarrassing."
"Yes, I heard from your victim firsthand. About the serpent below the belt thing, I mean." Which brings them full circle, doesn't it?
He starts the final pour, with one eye on the scale; delicate, slow little spirals. "Futaba asked us to change her heart. She was aware of what was going on, part of the process. In the end, she faced her Shadow right there in her Palace and awakened. I don't believe we could have done it without her, which... may be instructive. I'm not sure.
"I've seen a little of Ren's distortion from the inside. I'm not sure if it would be constructive or not to tell him. Whether we could even protect him, when he inevitably insisted on joining the party."
"That's not unlike what transpired in the TV world. Facing ourselves in order to awaken our potential... Yu was an exception, but he obtained his power through Izanami, and while I did as well, my circumstances were... decidedly less stable, which I believe made all the difference."
Crow's eyes drift to the coffee, watching as Frog pours it oh so carefully.
"I believe honesty is the best approach. He deserves to know of our intentions. Even if he doesn't like it, it's better than doing so behind his back."
He laps some loose grounds from the edge of the filter, with the outermost circle. "On the other hand, if I were able to speak to him about these matters, you understand I would already have done so? I've tried. It's as if there's a wall there."
Spreading one hand a little as he lifts the kettle, his lip turns out ever so slightly. "A Palace wall. The wall of his distortion. The problem is that Ren is not rational. His distortion seems set in stone. He wants me to act—wants all of us to act, I think. To care enough to act.
"But he believes that we won't act in his interests—and certainly not in what he considers to be my best interests. He won't like it if I talk about going anywhere near his Palace. I'm certain of that."
He sets the kettle down on the cooling hotplate, with an air of finality.
"I wonder if showing him his Palace would spark anything, if only the exterior. Giving him a reality check, forcing him to see it with his own two eyes..."
But that presents a risk. Crow knows that it does. Even in the best scenario, the distortion remains.
"Stopping him from, for example, running inside would be trivial. The damage it would do if I attacked him, on the other hand...." Again, he spreads his hand.
"From what I see, the distortion is centred on feelings of—of unwantedness. He feels like an outsider, and he believes he deserves to be. That his true self is repellent. He tried so hard to make me see that, you know. To make me give up on him. Told me terrible things."
He stares miserably at the filtering coffee. "I'll never give up on him. I just don't know if I can make him believe me."
"He did the same to me." Drip, drip, drip... Crow watches as the coffee filters, as if doing so will provide some semblance of zen. "He refuses to accept the kindness of others at face value and that he doesn't have to mask for our benefit. I... well, without knowing what Magpie said to him to prompt his apology, it's rather daunting. I still have my doubts that it was a pleasant conversation."
"I don't know what Magpie said. And if he won't tell you, he certainly won't tell me." Quietly, he warms a cup. "But if it affected Ren deeply, it's not beyond possibility that we could find out.
"The Palace echoes things that people have said to him. I saw—several things that I had said myself. It was..." And he thinks about it, setting the cup on its little saucer. That feeling of having let Ren down, of having done something terribly wrong. "Disheartening," he concludes.
"So, in fact, it's possible we might need Magpie in there after all. Which Ren will fight." And Goro would have to support him. Talk about an enemy coming from inside the house.
"Yes. I believe it is pivotal for Magpie to witness the effect his words and actions have had. It's our only hope of at least bringing them both closure, because I certainly don't expect reconciliation."
It's too tall an order. Perhaps too idealistic. If possible, it would solve so much, yet that's half the reason he doesn't anticipate it. It's too perfect.
Goro snorts quietly. "If the reports I heard of that exchange were accurate, I'm almost surprised they haven't killed each other long ago." But he still doesn't believe Ren is a murderer by choice. Even less so, after seeing Shido's words spread across the Palace floors, tripping from his own feet.
He takes up the carafe, pouring gently, expertly, one-handed. The patter of the coffee into the cup is soothing, like running water, or rain falling; its fragrance is startling, tropical, almost like night-blooming flowers.
"I imagine there are conflicting feelings. They both remember being children and being friends, no less. The difference is that upon reverting to his older self, Magpie was comforted by Raven and thus had a stable foundation to stand on. I... can't say that Drake's circumstances were comparable."
But Crow didn't pry about the specifics when it happened, at least to his recollection. He was too busy trying and failing to reason until it became too much.
At least the coffee is almost ready now. The sounds and fragrances alone keep Crow from delving too deeply into despair.
His lips purse. Someone should have talked to Ren. Someone should have taken a hand with him, let him know he wasn't alone. But he turns the cup to face Crow, passes it gently across the counter, resisting the instinct to bow.
"Listen to me. You could have tried, and it would have made no difference. Ren is like... I don't know, a mirror. You can talk to him, and pry, and look for what he's hiding, and you'll get no deeper than he wants you to. Often not even that. Believe me, I've been trying almost all year."
"Thank you." He accepts the coffee, watching the steam rise. It may still be hot. Perhaps a few moments more to let it cool would be for the best? "I did try to reason him, but every time, he kept pushing back. It reached a point where I was unable to bear it any longer and told him that I needed to step back. Even now, I wonder if that made matters worse..."
He glances up quickly, struck by a memory—one of the phrases from Ren's Palace that was engraved on his mind as he searched for their meaning. "Then I'll give you some space," he recites, enunciating in a low tone.
"Was that you?" Such a nothing little reply, to be so deeply engraved on Ren's heart. And yet.
"I'm sorry," he says, leaning on the counter. What else is there to say? Sure, he saw his own words in there, worse by far, words he's spoken since he arrived, even... but that makes it no better.
"I just don't know how I should feel." Before articulating further, he blows on the coffee, then takes a small sip. "I was... angry, to be honest. Furious, even. I tried so hard to reason with him, but he kept retaliating. Trying to drive me away. Repeating again and again how 'awful' he allegedly was, how I'd never care for the 'real' him, and that he was going to die anyway. It became too much, so I excused myself."
What can he do but nod at the truth of Crow's words? "That was why he told me what he said about my mother. To Magpie," he adds, as if that needs clarifying. Despite himself, there's a hint of a growl in his voice, which rapidly softens to confusion.
"And yet he asked, first, if I even knew what happens to her in other worlds. What seems to be the rule." Paradox, promise and potential—and all of it adding up to a puzzle that Goro must solve.
"He told me the same thing. It was very deliberate. To be honest, I was offended that he reacted in such a manner. That he'd think so little of me that he'd expect me to simply discard our friendship."
Damn it. He needs to set the coffee cup down. Needs to center himself. This isn't the time to lose his composure.
"I understand that venting to Magpie likely did not help matters, but at the time, I was so unbelievably upset. What was I supposed to do? Just take it all with a smile?"
"I think you could have chosen your confidant a little better, yes." It's dry as sand.
"Then again, I doubt you expected Magpie to betray your trust in such a way. If what he said is in the Palace, Glitch and I didn't see it. It may be buried deeper, in one of those wings.
"Or perhaps it didn't bother him at all, but...." He saw the look on Ren's face, as he watched movie Magpie.
"All I know is that he spoke to your Ren, and afterwards, I got an apology. I have no idea how he conveyed his feelings, only that he acted on my behalf. Magpie... can be rather aggressive regarding the people he cares about, however, and he already was coming off of being a child himself."
And so... hm. Hand steadying, Crow takes another sip. It's fine. He can't run from this.
Yeah, Frog just watches him drink. Somehow, he doesn't think Crow's handling his responsibilities better for having help. "How's the coffee, by the way?"
"Boss clearly instructed you well." Not that he's surprised. The care he put into producing it already spoke volumes well beforehand. "Not that I'd expect anything less. I still remember his reaction when I informed him that Dojima-san used instant coffee."
It certainly made for an interesting Golden Week when Dojima and Nanako came to town.
"Your guardian." Ah, he can't help but picture the look on Sojiro's face; he laughs a little. "Yes, that must have made for quite a scene. Myself, I find kopi luwak—the real thing, not the crap you get online—has rather too much subtlety for most palates, certainly given its cost and the trials of producing it. I'm not sure I get the most out of it, even now...."
Wait. Again, he laughs, looking down, more self-deprecating. "Goodness. Ren would tell me I was being such a nerd. He's not wrong."
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Take that, Crow.
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nsfw
He starts the final pour, with one eye on the scale; delicate, slow little spirals. "Futaba asked us to change her heart. She was aware of what was going on, part of the process. In the end, she faced her Shadow right there in her Palace and awakened. I don't believe we could have done it without her, which... may be instructive. I'm not sure.
"I've seen a little of Ren's distortion from the inside. I'm not sure if it would be constructive or not to tell him. Whether we could even protect him, when he inevitably insisted on joining the party."
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Crow's eyes drift to the coffee, watching as Frog pours it oh so carefully.
"I believe honesty is the best approach. He deserves to know of our intentions. Even if he doesn't like it, it's better than doing so behind his back."
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Spreading one hand a little as he lifts the kettle, his lip turns out ever so slightly. "A Palace wall. The wall of his distortion. The problem is that Ren is not rational. His distortion seems set in stone. He wants me to act—wants all of us to act, I think. To care enough to act.
"But he believes that we won't act in his interests—and certainly not in what he considers to be my best interests. He won't like it if I talk about going anywhere near his Palace. I'm certain of that."
He sets the kettle down on the cooling hotplate, with an air of finality.
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But that presents a risk. Crow knows that it does. Even in the best scenario, the distortion remains.
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"From what I see, the distortion is centred on feelings of—of unwantedness. He feels like an outsider, and he believes he deserves to be. That his true self is repellent. He tried so hard to make me see that, you know. To make me give up on him. Told me terrible things."
He stares miserably at the filtering coffee. "I'll never give up on him. I just don't know if I can make him believe me."
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"The Palace echoes things that people have said to him. I saw—several things that I had said myself. It was..." And he thinks about it, setting the cup on its little saucer. That feeling of having let Ren down, of having done something terribly wrong. "Disheartening," he concludes.
"So, in fact, it's possible we might need Magpie in there after all. Which Ren will fight." And Goro would have to support him. Talk about an enemy coming from inside the house.
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It's too tall an order. Perhaps too idealistic. If possible, it would solve so much, yet that's half the reason he doesn't anticipate it. It's too perfect.
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He takes up the carafe, pouring gently, expertly, one-handed. The patter of the coffee into the cup is soothing, like running water, or rain falling; its fragrance is startling, tropical, almost like night-blooming flowers.
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But Crow didn't pry about the specifics when it happened, at least to his recollection. He was too busy trying and failing to reason until it became too much.
At least the coffee is almost ready now. The sounds and fragrances alone keep Crow from delving too deeply into despair.
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"Listen to me. You could have tried, and it would have made no difference. Ren is like... I don't know, a mirror. You can talk to him, and pry, and look for what he's hiding, and you'll get no deeper than he wants you to. Often not even that. Believe me, I've been trying almost all year."
The coffee rests between them, like a gift.
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"Was that you?" Such a nothing little reply, to be so deeply engraved on Ren's heart. And yet.
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To think that his own words would come back to haunt him like this... Were they truly so scarring?
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"And yet he asked, first, if I even knew what happens to her in other worlds. What seems to be the rule." Paradox, promise and potential—and all of it adding up to a puzzle that Goro must solve.
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Damn it. He needs to set the coffee cup down. Needs to center himself. This isn't the time to lose his composure.
"I understand that venting to Magpie likely did not help matters, but at the time, I was so unbelievably upset. What was I supposed to do? Just take it all with a smile?"
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"Then again, I doubt you expected Magpie to betray your trust in such a way. If what he said is in the Palace, Glitch and I didn't see it. It may be buried deeper, in one of those wings.
"Or perhaps it didn't bother him at all, but...." He saw the look on Ren's face, as he watched movie Magpie.
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And so... hm. Hand steadying, Crow takes another sip. It's fine. He can't run from this.
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It certainly made for an interesting Golden Week when Dojima and Nanako came to town.
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Wait. Again, he laughs, looking down, more self-deprecating. "Goodness. Ren would tell me I was being such a nerd. He's not wrong."
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cw: alluded to sa
cw abuse
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cw: sa mention. kinda. the shido thing ren intercepted
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