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You don't expect me to fall for that, surely.

come onnnnn babeeeee maybe back late btw a new guy showed up rly tall from england kind of like a sad puppy if a puppy was a nerd from the 00s im finding him a real phone and some food n shit google it!!

[Sigh. Fine. He taps it in, and immediately regrets all his life choices.]

*Thanks*, Ren. Did this new guy bring up ducks? Does he *speak* English?

LMAO GOTTEM yea to both tell u abt it later (´ ε ` )♡

[ In real life, he cackles aloud, and then has to explain to Sam that he got Goro to look up duck penises. ]

[A good while later, the sort of time it would be abnormal to look at duck penis for, Goro shoots off another quick text.]

These duck penises are oddly fascinating.

[ And even later still, having eaten a weird sausage sandwich that was surprisingly okay, Ren finally checks his phone again as he's leaving Sam's Oxford flat. ]

(・・;)ゞ

[Now back at Leblanc, which is blissfully unmolested, he grins at his phone. Heheh. Gottem.]

You don't think so? There's something compelling about them. Majestic, even.

is this ur way of asking me to stop by the store on the way home try n see if theres a duck dildo

[He stares sharply up at the Leblanc window. Then:]

Yes. Yes, it is. But do you have the anatomy for it?

[He is committing to this bit. Oh yes.]

[ ...Well. Too late to back out now. ]

i can have whatever u want babe

I look forward to it. A human scale version would have to be a metre long or more.

[Maybe there won't be one?]

Whether it's because Ren thinks as hard as he can about it on the way, or just because there was already a market for it, when Ren finally gets back to Leblanc, he's carrying a plainly wrapped and very long package over his shoulder.

The bell chimes as he opens the door. As he navigates entering with the meter-long package, he does a quick glance around to make sure Goro is there, and no one else, before he says, "So."

Goro is so prepared. Stunningly prepared. The most prepared. So when Ren arrives, terrifying and terrifyingly broad package over his shoulder, Goro treats him to a glance up as he wipes the counter, and nothing more.

"What do you have there, a French stick?" He doubts it, honestly.

"Maybe it's from France. I dunno what they do there." He heaves it up over his shoulder and plops it down onto the counter. It thumps audibly as it lands. "Wanna see?"

He raises a cool eyebrow, pulse hammering in his neck. "In front of my salad, Ren? Please."

The package is ... long, though. Very long. It blocks Goro's path to the kitchen, and that's saying something.

Ren opens his mouth. Closes his mouth. For a second, hes too dumbfounded to speak.

"I'm so proud of you," he says at last.

"I should hope so." And, with that, he rests a neat hand on the package, and runs a hand down its length. The ribs and ridges scrape his hand through the paper, and he struggles not to laugh.

Ren watches Goro's face. His own expression is fairly calm, but it takes effort.

"Here," he says, and unceremoniously rips off part of the wrapping. It's too fucking big for him to get all the paper at once, but he can at least reveal...

...yeah, that sure is lifelike. Except for the hot pink color.

Still staring, Goro tears back more of the paper. The crevices are deep enough for him to fit his fingers into. Which he does, giving the smooth, hot pink silicone a little rub.

"This is—" No, he can't. He loses it and bursts out laughing.

"Ha. I win."

He pats the dildo, if it can even be called that, with strange fondness. "Want me to drop this off in your room? It can live in the corner with your plant and jumpscare us when we see it."

Edited 2025-05-21 19:22 (UTC)

"You did not win." He rests his hand on it again, caressing it in turn. "I don't know if I want it in the corner of my room. What about if we set up an altar? We can drape it across the front."

"That's, like, a temple-sized altar, dude." He considers that for a second. "We could just drop it off at a temple."

Hm. His hand pauses, mid-stroke. "That might not be a good idea. Considering we literally have the goddess Izanami here."

"Fuck that guy," says Ren, purely out of reflex. "But okay, if you say so. Put it wherever you want. It's your present."

Present. God. He cracks up again.

When he's over it, he lifts it partway, with difficulty, and gives it a waggle. "I know where to present it."

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